What was lost now is found

I can't honestly believe I've been MIA since May. Almost 4 months. Seriously, how did that happen? What is perhaps more shocking is that I have found the time to post on Dinner with Julie every single night since then, and every night before then. Maybe it's more of a time-sucker than I give it credit for. Then again, it's a good example of what you can achieve when you make up your mind to. I decided from the outset that the daily postings were non-negotiable, and so I just do them without question, just like I used to go to the gym every day, rather than struggle with if and when.

Or maybe it's just easier to write about food than about how much I weigh. I haven't felt much like anyone's cheering section lately, let alone my own, and you know what they say about not having anything good to say.

It's not really that bad. I've just been tired and comfortable and complacent and lazy. (It's the closest I can come to a real vacation.) I actually have over half a dozen partially written posts in my drafts folder; unfinished thoughts and incomplete updates that never really got finished, along with three quarters of my summer to-do list. The entire season drifted by somehow; although I can't believe it's a week into September, July seems like forever ago.

I went to the gym in spurts here and there, losing a few pounds at a time, which I'm fairly certain I've since found. I mostly hung out on the elliptical trainer and went to a few classes, but have yet to find the full-on motivation it takes to sufficiently throw myself into it. (I'd better look fast before my gym membership runs out in February!)

There comes a point in every decision-making process, particularly the big, life-altering ones but I suppose just as often the small, seemingly insignificant ones, when the question arises; when is enough enough? And just as often it's a small, seemingly minor incident that tips the scales in a new direction, making it harder not to do anything than it is to do something. In fact, this attempt to take a break from worry about weight and fat and clothes and calories, a vacation from the mindset I've had since I can remember, is an illusion itself. I don't want to feel as if I'm cultivating excuses, or come across as one of those people who blames her extra pounds on work, her kids, her thyroid condition, her ancestors. The truth is, there's always something. It's called Life. In a world focused on self-improvement, where we are all expected to live our best lives and constantly make ourselves over and never ever believe there is no room for an upgrade, where we admire success stories and expose our dark underbellies under the premise that we will quickly fix them, it's difficult to relax and just live in the now, happy with what we are and what we have, cellulite and all. At the end of my life I don't want to look back over unsatisfied decades spent on a quest for self-improvement. I don't want to gauge my self-worth on how many miles I ran or ice cream cones I turned down in favour of fresh vegetables, or lose mental health points for the opposite.

At the same time, I want to feel and be healthy. I think the resistance is more to the feeling of societal obligation.

That, and I really really like cupcakes and cheese and chocolate chip cookie dough.

Ready, set... ready?

I worry that all these posts come across with an air of poor me, it's so hard to haul my sorry self to the gym and turn down all the fantastic food that comes my way.

My point, I think, is that roadblocks are sometimes tough to identify and may be there without the owner of the road even being aware of their existence. We fly through life so quickly, so often oblivious to our own feelings as we pour our resources elsewhere. I am practiced at the art of sweeping things away; I even have a large mental push broom that I pull out every time I start berating myself over a job not very well done or at night when I lie awake late in a panic over all the things that I haven`t gotten to yet. Just like everyone else.


I think one of the best things you can do for and with yourself, whether you`re struggling with weight or not (but especially if you are), is to spend some time exclusively in the company of your own mind. Go somewhere isolated, completely without distraction, for an entire day if you can. Bring nothing, including intentions. Plan nothing. When you get used to the idea that there is no one else to worry about, or answer, or deflect off of, turn yourself around, grab yourself by the shoulders, look yourself straight in the eye and ask what`s up. Because you won`t get this feedback from any book or magazine or at a weight loss group; all the information and intention we all take in ultimately gets filtered through whatever is going on in your own head.

The Girl who cried diet.

Shame has kept me away from here. Every time I come to write a post, I hate the feeling that I'm that person who finds it easy to tell everyone else what they need to do to lose weight, but can't manage to swing it herself. I don't want to fess up that I've been to the gym twice, and one of those times I forgot my shoes and had to go home. I don't want anyone to know that the number on the scale is going in the wrong direction. I'm starting to feel like the girl who cried diet; no one is going to believe me anymore. (Not that I agree with the concept of a diet, but you get the gist.)

When I heard it said out loud that I had only been to the gym twice since I got my membership in February, I went this afternoon. And I'm going again tomorrow, and plan to start pilates next week.

I had an interesting reaction when I went a couple weeks ago. Mike pointedly asked me one Saturday morning if I was ever going to go to the gym, and why wasn't I? A good question. I used to go almost every day, and at the very least I should have been on a roller coaster of getting pumped about it, going, and then slacking off. But I just wasn't going at all. Truthfully, I was burnt out. Busy, like everyone else. Consistently behind on all my projects (some I started years ago) and lacking sleep, trying to keep up with new assignments and unable to turn new offers down. I kept thinking I just needed a break and a good sleep to recharge; I haven't had a holiday since W was born, but you can scarcely call having a newborn and breastfeeding and pumping 24 hours a day a holiday. I remember doing a radio interview over the phone when he was 6 days old, thinking it has almost been a week, I should have it together by now. When he was 3 months old he came to Christmas in November, and at 6 1/2 months we went on my Starting Out book tour.

For the past few months my attitude has been if I can't have a break, I can at least have a break from exercise and worry about what I eat. But it never really worked. I didn't feel more relaxed, just more like Julie the Hut. Most of all, I felt guilty enough about not spending enough time with W, and time spent at the gym equalled even more time spent away from him. It seemed selfish to spend time on me rather than him; I'm not sure which carried more guilt - going to the gym or not going to the gym. An hour an a half is a lot of playtime in the life of a 2 year old. Attempts to get excercise together usually resulted in a 2km/hr walk and perhaps a few lame attempts at chin-ups at the playground.

Then one day someone brought up the subject of W as a teenager, and my brain quickly swept the thought away. Why? I suddenly realized I had stopped allowing myself to think about and plan for the future, to get too comfortable with the idea that I might be around years from now because if I do, something like cancer might come along and swallow me up like it did to Rachael. She went to the gym. She rode her bike to work whenever she could and ate proper, healthy, organic food. We talked all the time about how we were getting soft and needed to get back to the gym. And she always did, between rounds of chemo.

The connection surprised me though. I immediately packed up my stuff and went, but had to choke back tears on the way and then compose myself in the car in the parking lot. When I finally got changed and onto the machines, I felt more guilt; who am I to have the opportunity to strengthen my body when Rachael's gave up on her?

I've been keeping up with my other blog; it's easier to write fluff than to pour your heart out, I think, particularly when balancing precariously between speaking your mind and complaining. People keep asking me how I do it, how I consistently have time to post our dinner every night, with photos even. Two things: I let everything else slide, and I committed to do it every night for a year, which makes it non-negotiable. I just do it, because I have to. It has become habit. This is the same attitude I used to have toward working out; it's actually far easier to find time to go to the gym (or for a walk, or run, or whatever you do to get your heart rate up and burn energy) if you schedule it in first, and make it a priority. If that block of time is just spoken for every day (or every other day) it becomes non-negotiable; you eliminate that conversation in your head that debates whether or not to go, and when, and how, and allows the possibility to just not bother and start tomorrow. Or Monday.

I suppose Adidas has it right: Just Do It.

The real cost of eating out!

I've just finished a short article for FFWD addressing the real cost of eating out. With all the media stories about rising food prices, the cost no one seems to talk about is the cost we are mostly oblivious to: fat and calories. (In Canada, a restaurant’s disclosure of nutritional information is voluntary.) Last month, the New York City Board of Health voted unanimously to pass a new law that requires large fast-food chains to post calorie information about standardized food items on their menus, helping consumers make healthier choices.

Most of us are aware of the calorie and fat cost of a Big Mac (540 calories, 29 g fat and 1020 mg sodium) and understand that fast food in general is an unhealthy choice. But because restaurants are not required to provide nutritional information for the items on their menus (like packaged food products must do), it’s difficult to gauge what you’re consuming at what might seem like a wholesome dining room alternative to a drive-thru.

Case in point: at Earl's, a penne Alfredo with chicken entrée weighs in at 1777 calories, with 123 grams of fat (67 of them saturated) and 2424 mg sodium. That's the caloric equivalent of more than three Big Macs, and the fat equivalent of over four. (You're actually better off having a couple of Big Macs for lunch.) Similarly, Spicy Thai Green Curry with Shrimp contains 1065 calories, 78 grams fat (38.5 g of them saturated) and 3381 mg sodium. (To gauge how much this is, 1500 mg is about as much sodium the average Canadian should consume over an entire day.) Their cheeseburger is twice that of a Quarter Pounder with cheese, at 870 calories and 59 grams of fat. A salad isn't always a better option; Earls’ popular Hot Chicken Caesar packs 1120 calories and 77 grams of fat.

At The Keg, an order of Honey BBQ Ribs, on their own without any sides, will cost you 2212 calories and 167 grams of fat. (The kids’ platter is half that - still far too much even for an adult.) Add a twice baked potato (571 calories; 29 g fat), Caesar salad (492 calories; 55 g fat) and garlic cheese toast (965 calories; 51 g fat) and you’re eating 4240 calories and 302 grams of fat.

And when you're eating out, who only gets an entrée? At Milestones, the Bocconcini Garlic Bread appetizer contains 1060 calories, 61 grams of fat and 2050 mg sodium; the Butterscotch Pot de Crème dessert weighs in at 940 calories and 74 grams of fat, and perhaps most shocking: on the children’s menu, the Noodles & Cheddar with Garlic Cream Sauce contains 910 calories and 54 grams of fat and the Chicken Tenders with Fries and Ranch Dressing has 810 calories, 48 grams of fat and 2200 mg of sodium. On the regular menu, their Shanghai Noodle Stir Fry contains 1500 calories and a staggering 4200 mg of sodium – about 3 days’ worth of sodium in one entrée.

Kudos to Earls, The Keg and Milestones for at least posting nutritional information on their websites though. I was unable to get any info from Moxie's, even after emailing the company. But now that I see what's in a typical dish, I can't say I blame them for not wanting us to know what's really in that spinach & artichoke dip.

Empty Bowls!

The Empty Bowl Benefit Online Auction has begun!

Last week I was one of many who had the opportunity to paint a bowl to auction off to benefit the Calgary Interfaith Food Bank. All the bowls are being auctioned off at the Food Bank website, and can be viewed in all their glory at various downtown locations.

You can bid on my fabulous hand-painted fish bowl here! (It comes with delivery, a bag of CBC swag, and of course filled with bacon caramel corn!)

It's a plastic planet.

Good to hear the news that the government is taking immediate action to ban BPA, a man-made substance that could potentially pose health risks.

I'm not sure I understand why they aren't taking similar action against trans-fats, also a man-made substance that have been proven beyond a doubt to be harmful.

(To clear this question up: there do exist naturally occurring trans fats, typically showing up in very low levels in products like cheese. These are not harmful; it's the man-made trans fats we need to avoid: anything labeled "partially hydrogenated" - even if it says "trans fat free" on the package. In Canada, a food product can be labelled trans fat free if it contains 0.5 g or less per serving.)

As I was writing this Yoni's blog post was delivered to my inbox - as he put it, I guess the baby bottle industry lobby isn't as powerful as Big Food's!

Not that I eat there anyway.

Did you hear the one about the BC McDonald's employee who was granted $50,000 in damages because she was fired for not washing her hands? I guess it's your human right not to, even when handling other people's food. Can you imagine the precedent this could set?

As usual, an interesting tidbit I picked up on Yoni's blog.

More later. I'm off to the gym.